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Is it over or not?
Dear OPBA,
I know I probably sound just like every other person you hear from but I’m willing to try anything to get me out of this funk. I do have one pretty good guy friend that is my only person to really talk to about this stuff, but it’s not the kind of thing that’s really comfortable to keep talking about,. He basically just says, "Dump her and go find another girl", and I’m just sick of bringing this stuff up around him anymore. I can basically feel him rolling his eyes every time I bring up my now-maybe-ex gf. That hurts to even type.
I am 26 and [NAME REMOVED] is 24. We work at the same company but in different departments, but we would still usually get to see each other on lunch breaks. We have been together over a year and things were really good. We would take the same days off so we could spend them together and lots of people at work always said we were really adorable together. About a month or so ago, she started always being busy in her department over lunch hour and not coming to the break room at all and, if she does make it, she gets there so close to the end of lunch break that she’s just in a hurry and we barely get to see much of each other. We weren’t hanging out as much after work, either. She’s gotten really into going to the gym almost every day to workout. She would still come over sometimes on weekends to stay the night and everything seemed back to normal again but she never seemed to want to hang out the next day. She'd always get going right away early in the morning but the only plan she ever had for the whole day was to go to the gym for a couple of hours. It never really made sense and I guess I could tell something was different.
[NAME REMOVED] is the kind of girl that’s not super flirty or starved for attention like most girls and I always felt good knowing I had her, especially when other people I know were telling me about how their gf would talk to other guys when they went out, even when they already knew the guys liked them. Like, just to make their bfs jealous. [NAME REMOVED] never did that and I loved that about her. I know I still love her.
We always talked about things in the future together and she would say things like, “When we ….” or “Our kids won’t be like that.” and stuff like that. When I'd say them lately, she'd just kind of fake laugh and breeze past it, so I knew something was up. I know I wanted to marry her and I still would.
Two weeks ago on a Friday, she was going to stay over. She texted during the day and asked if we could order Chinese and have a movie night. I got everything all set up and didn’t know what she would order, so I ordered all three of the things she usually gets and had it all set out fancy with bowls and chopsticks and folded napkins. When she got there, everything seemed fine but after we got done eating, she said she wanted to talk. I could sense a big rock in my gut right away.
She said that she wasn’t sure where things with us were going and she wanted to take some time to figure it out. Even though I don’t usually pour out my heart or love bomb people, I held her hand and told her the truth, that I loved her and that I saw us getting married someday. She just sort of stared at me and I could tell she wasn’t sure how to respond. I asked her if she just wanted me to leave her alone for the weekend and we would talk on Sunday night, but she said she needs more time than that. When I asked her how long, she said she didn’t know. I don’t really cry much, but she’s pretty emotional when we watch movies and stuff, and she didn’t even look like she was that sad, she was just stone-faced like we were strangers. She finally decided she was going to stay at her own house that night and we didn’t even watch the movie. We did kiss each other goodbye when she was leaving and she gave me a pretty long hug so I can tell she is not sure if she wants to stay together after her break.
That weekend, I texted her each morning like we always do and she answered with the smiley emoji. We didn’t get to actually talk at all during the weekend and, since then, when I text her in the morning, she either doesn’t answer or I get a “thanks, you too” way later in the day like it's an afterthought.
I’m destroyed about this and it’s hard to even focus at work. I don’t even take my lunch breaks so that she can have her time. I can’t eat and everything just sucks. My co-workers ask, “How are you and [NAME REMOVED] doing?”, and I don’t even know what to say. I’m not even sure how we’re doing. I don’t know if she’s going to come off this break and realize how good we are together or officially break up. I want to ask her, but I don’t want to bother her and make things worse.
Should I just man up and tell her that I need an answer or just let her have her time to show that I respect her? I'm scared that if I push too hard, she'll just be done forever. I don’t even know if she’s sad at all. It was like talking to a zombie when she talked to me that night. I want her back, so if you have any advice on how I could help make that happen, I really need it.
Thank you for reading all of this. I am looking forward to getting your take on this all.
J.
From an OPBA Coach (♀):
These types of mixed signals in a relationship can be very confusing, especially, when your feelings for your partner run very deep. Your girlfriend has been pulling away from you for at least a month, but potentially longer than that before you realized it. Regardless of the words she is saying to you, you need to take a look at her actions. While it is possible that her department was very busy at lunch, that may have also been an excuse to spend less time with you during the lunch break. The fact that she is prioritizing the gym over spending time with you and the fact that she is spending minimal time on the weekends with you to catch up, is evidence that her feelings are waning. We can take many guesses as to why this is happening, but at the end of the day, the reasons do not matter. She is clearly showing you, through her actions, that your relationship is not a priority. Rather than live in limbo, you need to make the decision to end the relationship and give her the space and time that she is desperately craving. It would seem as though she does not have the courage to end things and is perfectly comfortable to leave you in a confused state and string you along, throwing you breadcrumbs of time and energy when it is convenient for her. A relationship requires equal sacrifice and energy from both partners to work and you simply do not have that. Rather than waste your precious time waiting around for an answer, it is time to let her go so that you can focus on becoming the best version of yourself as possible. Its best to keep the break-up as short and kind as possible, “I’ve enjoyed my time with you but this isn’t working for me. I wish you the best with everything and perhaps one day we can be friends.” And then immediately go no contact with her. Do not stalk her on social media, do not call her, do not text her, do not seek out opportunities to interact with her. Of course, if you see her at work, a polite “Hello” will suffice and if she attempts to engage you in conversation, dodge it by being “super busy” and move along to another area where you are not able to converse. She is asking you, through her actions, for freedom to do what she deems is a higher priority. Please, respect yourself enough to remove yourself from the equation and take the next 30 days of no contact to grieve the relationship, work on your health, financial, and personal goals. Perhaps you can start a new hobby or rejuvenate one you have neglected; start working out (at a different gym than her’s); plan a trip for yourself; spend time with friends; and get your finances in order. You are quite young and there are women out there who will gleefully jump at the opportunity to spend time with you. Don’t be surprised if she reaches out and demands contact with you. She has been far too comfortable for far too long with you accepting the crumbs of time and effort she has thrown your way. Do not give in until at least 30 days have passed and you’ve had an opportunity to start to heal and reflect on the elements of a relationship that would be fulfilling to you. Good luck!
--Another OPBA Coach (♂) weighs in:
I completely feel for you, J. You sound like a good guy; the way you recognize and appreciate the differences in the girl in your life and the way you are trying to consider her space during this time.
Having been through a situation like this before and taking the lessons from it, I know that in limbo situations like this it's impossible to get on any path that will benefit you - toward or away from the relationship - when you feel like you're being kept in suspense about the status of a connection that is so important to you. To get you out of this "just helplessly floating" stage and get your feet back touching the ground again where you can start controlling your own days, I know that the most helpful thing you can receive is the truth. Unfortunately, that truth is not the outcome you'd hoped for.
Your girlfriend has been displaying the unmistakable behaviors of a person whose feelings in a relationship have changed. Deprioritizing your time together, finding excuses to be away (the "always busy" line of rationalizing), an atypical commitment to improving her fitness and appearance, etc. By the conversation you shared from the night you talked, it's important for you to understand that she feels she has already ended the relationship. She no doubt cares for you and saw no reason to be cruel or harm you more than she knew a breakup would so she used a very, very common female phraseology in situations like this: the idea of "the break".
When people in a relationship communicate that they want the two of you to take a break, the hopeful side of us envisions them retiring to a quiet place to search their souls in solitude and weigh out the pros and cons of our futures together, with the end result pictured to be the final announcement of a verdict. In truth, the communication that someone wants a break IS the formal announcement that they've decided to put an indefinite pause on the two of you being romantically attached and obligated to any idea of exclusivity. They're too timid in their reasoning, too guilt-ridden, or too sad about voluntarily hurting to clearly communicate what they mean. They do it out of protection for themselves and you, but don't realize that they suspended status that something as vague as "a break" is, they are hurting you even more. In nearly every way, telling someone you care about that you want a "break" is a selfish (or at the very least immature) move.
As my colleague coach said above, It's important to understand that breaks/break-ups like this are not spur of the moment things. For any number of reasons, the idea of discontinuing the relationship has been occupying and tormenting her mind since right around when you noticed that she was making herself less available to you. It was that time when she was in her head trying to determine what she wanted to do. By the time she had the talk with you, her inner voice was telling her that - despite how hard it was for her to do - she had to just dig in, not falter, deny the terrible feeling of hurting you, and just get it done. This explains the lack of emotion or the "stranger" vibe you were getting from her that night. Often, the person initiating a breakup needs to mentally disassociate themselves to do so. It's just too easy to abandon the conversation because it's just too painful. And, be assured, it was painful for her. If you had great times together, they were great for her, too, and she knows that she's decided that those times will now only be memories. It's a surreal time of change for everyone involved.
I know this is not news you wanted, but I encourage you to try to remember underneath the grief you are no doubt feeling at this stage in your breakup , that you now have your first and most important answer, one that will be the seed of everything you do from her on out and one that recalibrates you as the proper driver of your days. I know that means very little to you right now as you mentally sort through the whys and what-ifs, but keep that seed. When you're ready, it will be the greatest starting point for you as you absorb the lessons of this chapter and create the rest of your life.
For these first stages of coping with a breakup, I invite you to check out our "Road out of Heartache" program. The guide was created to give step-by-step instructions to help people who've experienced recent breakups find a path through the internal chaos you're facing. It's $39.95 purchased separately, but to help out we are sending you a code for $10 off.
We are honored you've come to us for help. There are great things ahead for you.
OPBA Coach